A Dear Son's Rites of Passage
- Vernon C. Lindsay, PhD
- May 30
- 3 min read
Updated: Jun 6
Dear Emery,
You will turn 13 in three days. I am writing this letter a few days beforehand, in the early hours, while the house is still asleep.
“Here comes the big guy.” You know the context of the quote; I won’t embarrass you. However, I want you to understand that this is a big year.
Much has already happened. We moved back to the States. You started a new school, earned your place on the high honor roll, and joined a football club.
The other day, I asked you, “What is a man?”
“A father?” you replied with a question.
“Being a father doesn’t make you a man. What is a man?” I answered and asked you again.
“I don’t know.”
Do you remember this conversation? Afterward, I made you write about manhood.
Are you curious about where I found “the cards?” I bought them from Dr. Lathardus Goggins II. He is not related to David Goggins. #stayhard
In Dr. Goggins's book, he explains that rites of passage include four phases: preparation, separation, transition, and reincorporation.
Your preparation for this weekend’s separation, transition, and reincorporation began at birth. The process of becoming your best self takes a lifetime, but we will celebrate this mark in your journey.
I’ve taught, modeled, and written books reflecting ideas about manhood, but here are four for you to contemplate today.
1. Men respect humanity.
I talk about “all that Africa stuff” because I want you to value yourself. Our family has roots in the African diaspora, and through your mother’s maternal lineage, you also have connections to Sicily, Italy. All of this is you and more. Understanding the layers of your identity can help you connect with others from similar and different backgrounds.
2. Men do what they say.
“Be a man of your word.” You’ve heard me say that to you a thousand times. Sometimes, you fall short of expectations – reading before watching YouTube, cleaning up after yourself, eating with a fork, and acknowledging elders. Always be willing to work, demonstrate respect, and fulfill your commitments. Appreciate these and other responsibilities.
3. Men take care of their minds, bodies, and spirits.
You must discipline yourself to read, exercise, and pray daily. Remember, integrity is about doing the right thing when no one is watching. We’ve talked about this. I won’t always be there to remind you about the critical actions necessary for you to thrive during your teenage and adult years.
4. Men acknowledge their imperfections.
It’s ok to fail. I am not perfect; you know I make mistakes. You also have your challenges. Take a deep breath, stay calm, recognize your setbacks, and move forward.
As men, we must strive to accept ourselves and continually work to improve. This role is not easy for any human being. Our community needs us as partners, organizers, and creators.
For thirteen years, I've witnessed your growth. I am proud of you. This weekend’s rites of passage experiences symbolize the beginning of another phase.
Know that your mother and I love you and will always do our best to support and hold you accountable as you become a man. If you choose college, professional football, entrepreneurship, or all three, we got you.
Happy Birthday, Big Guy!
Love,
Dad
"preparation, separation, transition, and reincorporation" are steps in rites of passage, is a good metric for human reality even beyond adolescence and adulthood. In my present situation as a medical student, among other things I observe heart and lung transplant patients. My observations are that given a 'new lease on life' can be a challenging issue for these patients, hearts perhaps more than lungs. All our patients have coded, in a sense they have died and were brought back to life. When faced with life and death, our perspectives do and will change. So in a broader view, life and health are more than a commodity, they are actual observable human events. My early view is that we are neithe…