Transitional Tears and Parenting Pulls
Reflective writing supports learning. While it isn't a suitable standalone punishment for perpetrators of crimes, it is a valuable tool for initiating behavioral change. This week’s blog post reflects on my family’s move abroad and the transitional lessons it offers for fatherhood.
The memory of my daughter crying as she said goodbye to her friends has not left me. After her last water polo match, poolside, she and her friends hugged, laughed, and talked as they wept. Later, she walked to the car holding hands with her best friend; they hugged and cried again.
Two things struck me at that moment.
First, it pained me to see my child hurt. I also recognized distinct differences in my daughter and sons. It’s one thing to study gender socialization; it’s another to observe it in your children.
My boys said their farewells to their friends after a football (soccer) game with firm handshakes, “I love you, bros,” and partial hugs. It was brief, and they didn’t cry.
After what felt like the longest goodbye in history, my daughter climbed into the backseat and cried again before we pulled out of the parking lot. I acknowledged her feelings and said, " Sorry. It won’t be the last time you see them.” She didn’t respond.
I whispered to myself, “Never again. I must gain more control over my income to dictate when, where, and how my family moves.”
We drove home, loaded the luggage in the trunk, and headed to the airport. The job I accepted required us to move from the US to St. Maarten. Grateful for the chance to live on an island, I hated uprooting my family.
One month has passed since my daughter’s tear-filled farewell. She has messaged or FaceTimed with her friends every day since we left. Last weekend we moved again, and she hid.
We relocated from temporary housing into our long-term rental. The permanence of our new home sank in, and she spent the weekend in her room. I invited her to participate in family activities, but she declined.
My wife encouraged me to give her space and to acknowledge the state of her mental health. I showed kindness and followed her recommendations.
Parenting pulls…
As I adjust to life abroad again, I’ve learned the importance of patience and empathy in fatherhood. I must let my children process this transition at their own pace.
Encouraging them to make new friends, listening to their concerns, and accepting their new reality are some of the best ways I can show love.
I must also acknowledge that my daughter is maturing into a woman with a full range of emotional, social, and biological needs. She is no longer the little girl needing my help with her hair.
It’s painful to witness your daughter’s sadness without the ability to offer an effective remedy. Despite desires, fathers can’t fix everything. We can offer advice and guidance, but they must discover emotional resilience for their selves.
Everyone cries, before appreciating joy.
Within the last 24 hours, my daughter has shown signs of improvement. She joined the school’s volleyball team and said more than a few words to me at breakfast. I could ask for more, but it would only lead to frustration and resistance.
Parenting pulls us closer to our human potential. In the days, weeks, and months, things will improve.
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Tears, tares, and the trials of a Dad. What a wonderful video. Peace and blessings.